Ringing In The New Year

If I look at how far I've come this year and how much I've grown, it's kind of insane. From entering this year just getting off of a partial hospitalization program to entering into the new year with a modeling agency and a life in New York, that's kind of insane. At the beginning of this year my resolution was to be healthy and successful, to get back to the old me and to hopefully get a modeling agency. In January, I felt  a little lost. I had been so caught up in my disorder that I didn't know what it was like to feel normal again. I left my program feeling like I had a grasp on my issue, but was a little shaky on getting back to life before. My first weekend of the year was spent at a youth retreat in New York with my church. It was a great time, but no one knew I had just been in an eating disorder clinic and I was battling with myself and my own thoughts. I also was entering the year realizing it was coming to the end of my senior year. I was very excited, mainly that the torture was almost over and slightly fearful of what might come. As my senior year was starting to end, I was dead set on college at FIT and was ready to start that new chapter. When it was time to give my acceptance, something felt off for me. It's like when you see a pie right in front of you on the table. Your initial thought is "no I'm better than this." But the back of your mind is saying, "come on just one little piece." And you know you're eventually going to at least take a fork full of it. And I know in the back of my mind college wasn't what I wanted. And suddenly senior year was over. School finished, prom came and then it was graduation. Afterwards was grad parties and my birthday and then it was like BOOM you're 18. After all the madness, I was getting geared up for college. Until one summer day my mother said, "you know, I don't think college is the next step for you. Why don't you just screw it and go to New York." Of course I'm thinking, "but you're my mom...," but she said something valuable, "school will always be there for you, but you are only young once." This is my time to really go for it. So regardless of how crazy, how fearful or how stressful it might be, I went for it and am now in my process of going for it. I'm not 100 percent there, but I'm slowly and (I think) surely getting there. I would've never imagined at the beginning of this year that I would be vacationing at home because I live full time in the city and that I would be going into this next year anticipating starting my journey in my dream. I think going into the next year I'm going to try and become more successful. I'm going to try to be more carefree and worry less. And I'm going to try to not call my mom as much and be an adult of my own. But let's face it, she's the one who pushed me here so it's only right I call her 27 times in one day. And if you think I'm kidding, I'm

being as serious as I am about my cheat days. VERY SERIOUS.

Happy New Year!