90 Day Recovery

Yesterday, May 19th, 2017, was my 90 day mark of recovery. In my program, they say that that is the first milestone of recovery. 90 days. And I thought the day would be different for me honestly. I thought I would wake up and feel like the whole world is at my fingertips, like nothing could stop me. Instead I woke up feeling fat and wanted to kick my ass in the gym. Because I could not act out in my ED, I had to sit and deal with it. I do not know how you normal women deal with it. Because my period comes next week, my body will retain the water so it can prepare. Sadly when you have an eating disorder, the simple feeling of being fat escalates into a catastrophic event in the mind. I'm proud of the 90 days because it has been a journey. I've deepened my faith in God and my life has opened up in so many ways. My family and friends enjoy me more and I'm an honest, open and fun person again. But it is still a daily struggle in my mind. I go from hearing the real Madison and following her dreams, to hearing this tiny little voice telling me to not follow my dreams because I'm fat. Since I can't pick up my addiction of starving and exercise, I just have to sit and face my feelings like a real adult now. I have to deal with feeling fat, being sad, angry, jealous, confused, worried, you name it. But I always tell myself I would NEVER wish my worst ED day over my worst recovery day. My 90th day was tough for me, but it also showed me how far I've come. I can now identify that sly voice in my head and I can morally feel what I need to do, which is lead my healthy life. I've dived deeper into helping others and keeping myself in a community of people with the same issues as me. It's a miracle what has happened over these past 90 days. Yesterday I went to the gym and didn't kick my ass, I ate my meals, I was in a community of people who support me, I had a photo shoot and didn't hate myself, and I went on a date. Life is opening up and it's amazing yet scary. They say the stronger you get, the more push-ups your disease is doing in the background. And it is true!! But I now have a moral obligation to myself, my community, my family and God to stay on this path. Even if I stray, I trust that I will always stay and keep on the path. Going forward, I look forward to 4 months and more of recovery and I am going to just live day by day. I encourage everyone to live in the present moment and do what makes you happy, healthy and fun.