I Have A Confession To Make:My Relapse
On February 9th, 2017, God gave me a wake up call. I've never had one of these before and I've got to tell you, it's not a pleasant surprise.
Fashion week was starting and my nerves were high. I booked my first show and I was super stoked! Not getting enough sleep the night before or eating that morning, definitely didn't help me get in the game that day though. Feeling tired, I arrived at the show. I went straight into hair and makeup. My body and my vibe was totally off. And I found out short after sitting in the makeup chair, there would be no catering. I was disappointed considering this was Madison Square Garden I was in. As I'm getting my makeup done, the artists around me were kind enough to offer snacks and I also had some nuts and raisins in my bag. Unfortunately, that is not what my body wanted.
As the makeup artist was working on my eyes, I began to feel really light in my chair. Everytime she told me to look up, it felt like I was straining the little muscles under my eyes. I was definitely weak. I began to feel faint, so I went outside the room where it was colder, with some water. People brought over snacks and I got some sense together and went back to my seat. Once again, I wasn't feeling right. And once again, I left the room feeling very off. I sat outside the hall and explained I would need something hardy to hold me over because I was not right inside my body. As I'm waiting, the only thing I remember is just sipping some water. What I woke up to was a commotion. One of the makeup artists was holding my hand and rubbing my side as I awoke. I had fainted.
As a model, you never want to be "that girl." You know, the model who doesn't eat and passes out before the show and then gets dramatically taken away because she's so faint and fragile. I wasn't that girl so when I woke up, I knew I had to get it together. When the paramedics came, I tried to come to my senses. I explained to them that I knew why I passed out and how to solve it. My blood sugar got too low and my body couldn't function on its own without food during this time, so it shut down. I was carted off to the medical office for paperwork, but I assured everyone I would be back to do the show. While in the office, I called my family and spoke with the staff. The hospital was an option, but all I needed was a nice fat bagel and some water and I knew I would be fine. Sure enough, one of the security members brought me food (yes it was a bagel) and thirty minutes later, I was walking back to hair and makeup.
I was proud of myself for getting it together and heading back, but I was not proud of how I came to this point. When you have an addiction of any kind, it's common to relapse. What many don't realize is sometimes a relapse happens subconsciously, the person really isn't aware they're feeding into their disorder. From the time I took away from the blog, a lot of change was happening in my life. Not only was I moving to new places, but modeling was taking turns and difficulties in my family life was taking a toll on me. For me personally, when all else is going to hell, I feel lost, my families got me down, something happens in my relationships, modeling isn't going well, the one thing I know I can control is my weight and my eating. If all else goes to shit, then at least I'm skinny.
After I walked the show, I met up with my boyfriend and we had a serious talk between us and our families. I was now at a point where I was seeing what physical abuse I was doing to my body through this disease. And I can tell you, I NEVER want to go through that again. I have lost so much of myself through this disorder and a part of me is sad that I've let it consume me this long. It also sucks that I'm so stubborn and I've lost so much trust in myself because of this. But in the end, what am I doing this for? To make me feel good for thirty minutes, when actually I'm killing myself to be thin? I can't model if I'm dead! I've never been so afraid for my life before until that moment. Not because I passed out, but because I realized that day that I was letting this mentality kill me from the inside out. My relationships were dying, my love life was dying, I felt my career was dying, my motivation was dying and so were my insides. I had to take a stand.
On February 10th, 2017, I decided to lead a sober life. Sober meaning not cured, but trying. Trying to fight the thought patterns, triggers, fears, the mistrust and the emotional baggage I've attached to this disease. Instead I try and think of living a healthy life not for a career or people who are fleeting, but for myself. Recovery is a one-day-at-a-time process and now having almost a month go by, I've seen so much of a difference. My relationships have changed, my love life is more fun and exciting for me, I have my glow back, I feel like my old self again, I'm less afraid, I enjoy working out and eating healthy more, I'm gaining balance, I say yes more and life is fun. Of course fear is still there and I still get worried it's going to consume me and take over my life, but I won't let it. And I mean that. I've joined a support group that is great for when I travel. I've seen a few doctors and have a few appointments left and I've got a sponsor.
I'm very proud to say I've come this far in such a short time. But I want to live a life that is full and worry free. I want to have balance and have fun. This disorder was holding me back from all I've wanted. And I can say this because I've been booking and getting more work than when I was sick! For any one who is struggling, know you can never get rid of your disease, but you can manage it and overcome it. What I've realized in this short time is God has got my back and I don't have to do this myself. My support group talks about the higher power. Give it all to your higher power. Even though this was a scary wake up call, I am forever grateful for my higher power. As they say, God works in mysterious ways.
Fashion week was starting and my nerves were high. I booked my first show and I was super stoked! Not getting enough sleep the night before or eating that morning, definitely didn't help me get in the game that day though. Feeling tired, I arrived at the show. I went straight into hair and makeup. My body and my vibe was totally off. And I found out short after sitting in the makeup chair, there would be no catering. I was disappointed considering this was Madison Square Garden I was in. As I'm getting my makeup done, the artists around me were kind enough to offer snacks and I also had some nuts and raisins in my bag. Unfortunately, that is not what my body wanted.
As the makeup artist was working on my eyes, I began to feel really light in my chair. Everytime she told me to look up, it felt like I was straining the little muscles under my eyes. I was definitely weak. I began to feel faint, so I went outside the room where it was colder, with some water. People brought over snacks and I got some sense together and went back to my seat. Once again, I wasn't feeling right. And once again, I left the room feeling very off. I sat outside the hall and explained I would need something hardy to hold me over because I was not right inside my body. As I'm waiting, the only thing I remember is just sipping some water. What I woke up to was a commotion. One of the makeup artists was holding my hand and rubbing my side as I awoke. I had fainted.
As a model, you never want to be "that girl." You know, the model who doesn't eat and passes out before the show and then gets dramatically taken away because she's so faint and fragile. I wasn't that girl so when I woke up, I knew I had to get it together. When the paramedics came, I tried to come to my senses. I explained to them that I knew why I passed out and how to solve it. My blood sugar got too low and my body couldn't function on its own without food during this time, so it shut down. I was carted off to the medical office for paperwork, but I assured everyone I would be back to do the show. While in the office, I called my family and spoke with the staff. The hospital was an option, but all I needed was a nice fat bagel and some water and I knew I would be fine. Sure enough, one of the security members brought me food (yes it was a bagel) and thirty minutes later, I was walking back to hair and makeup.
I was proud of myself for getting it together and heading back, but I was not proud of how I came to this point. When you have an addiction of any kind, it's common to relapse. What many don't realize is sometimes a relapse happens subconsciously, the person really isn't aware they're feeding into their disorder. From the time I took away from the blog, a lot of change was happening in my life. Not only was I moving to new places, but modeling was taking turns and difficulties in my family life was taking a toll on me. For me personally, when all else is going to hell, I feel lost, my families got me down, something happens in my relationships, modeling isn't going well, the one thing I know I can control is my weight and my eating. If all else goes to shit, then at least I'm skinny.
After I walked the show, I met up with my boyfriend and we had a serious talk between us and our families. I was now at a point where I was seeing what physical abuse I was doing to my body through this disease. And I can tell you, I NEVER want to go through that again. I have lost so much of myself through this disorder and a part of me is sad that I've let it consume me this long. It also sucks that I'm so stubborn and I've lost so much trust in myself because of this. But in the end, what am I doing this for? To make me feel good for thirty minutes, when actually I'm killing myself to be thin? I can't model if I'm dead! I've never been so afraid for my life before until that moment. Not because I passed out, but because I realized that day that I was letting this mentality kill me from the inside out. My relationships were dying, my love life was dying, I felt my career was dying, my motivation was dying and so were my insides. I had to take a stand.
On February 10th, 2017, I decided to lead a sober life. Sober meaning not cured, but trying. Trying to fight the thought patterns, triggers, fears, the mistrust and the emotional baggage I've attached to this disease. Instead I try and think of living a healthy life not for a career or people who are fleeting, but for myself. Recovery is a one-day-at-a-time process and now having almost a month go by, I've seen so much of a difference. My relationships have changed, my love life is more fun and exciting for me, I have my glow back, I feel like my old self again, I'm less afraid, I enjoy working out and eating healthy more, I'm gaining balance, I say yes more and life is fun. Of course fear is still there and I still get worried it's going to consume me and take over my life, but I won't let it. And I mean that. I've joined a support group that is great for when I travel. I've seen a few doctors and have a few appointments left and I've got a sponsor.
I'm very proud to say I've come this far in such a short time. But I want to live a life that is full and worry free. I want to have balance and have fun. This disorder was holding me back from all I've wanted. And I can say this because I've been booking and getting more work than when I was sick! For any one who is struggling, know you can never get rid of your disease, but you can manage it and overcome it. What I've realized in this short time is God has got my back and I don't have to do this myself. My support group talks about the higher power. Give it all to your higher power. Even though this was a scary wake up call, I am forever grateful for my higher power. As they say, God works in mysterious ways.
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