Lone Survivor

Do you know what it's like to feel lonely? To feel completely emerged into society, but feel completely alone? The hardest part about living on your own is the loneliness. The reason I didn't post on my typical Thursday was because I was feeling really down and lonely. I spent some time away at home, was able to show my boyfriend my home and got to travel back to my city with my boyfriend by my side. He went back home yesterday and it's been a really tough day already. Not only was my sleep messed up, but I had no will in the morning to eat breakfast. Believe it or not, the girl who enjoys gorging herself occasionally, doesn't like depressed eating. I get the opposite effect instead, instant sickness from depression. Depression is an extreme word so, I'm more simply feeling lonely. I'm also really tired. Not just because of the fact that I got about four hours of sleep last night, but mainly I'm tired of feeling lonely. Extrovert should be my middle name. The kind of people who thrive off of other people's energies, loves to talk for hours and can just sit for a while in other people's company, not say a word and enjoy their time. That's the kind of person I am. It's hard going back to an apartment with roommates you don't know or relate to and having a full day with all these stories and not having anyone to talk to. Of course I can call people, but the face to face contact is what is important to me. Don't get me wrong, I love New York, I love being on my own and I love my independence, but being an adult can sometimes suck. Last night because I couldn't sleep and I'm an extrovert, I called my mom at 4am. I just needed some advice and to talk to someone about how I was feeling inside. Sometimes I don't want to be an adult and have things to do the next day. Sometimes I want to cry about how I'm feeling and not be immature for it. Sometimes I want to go home. But then I'm reminded that the Lord speaks to you at night. I'm jealous right now, angry, impatient and not compassionate towards myself at all. All of this is not only effecting my sleep, but it's effecting my life and my success. If you want your success bad enough and put your energy into it, it will come. But a negative attitude will make it a harder ride. If you're jealous of others around you and aren't genuinely happy for them, what makes you think you're going to deserve your reward? If you're angry, how can you find happiness? If you don't love yourself first, how is anybody else going to love you? Remind me to read this blog to myself when I feel down.