You Don't Know What Ya Got Until It's (Kinda) Gone

Y'all I'm a loser. And I'm totally throwing a pity party right now. Yes, I'm posting this blog amid a ripe one day ago break up, making this written on last Saturday. It's more organic if I write now and post later. That way I can edit out all the awful things I say. So I'm single and not really ready to mingle. I'm throwing a pity party because I got broken up over by text. And it was totes my fault, but I felt like the ultimate loser when it happened. Do I deserve it is the real question? Obviously in the moment I was only thinking, "why me?!??!" But if I'm being honest, I totally deserved it. Now don't get it twisted, that doesn't mean I feel less hot or less awesome, the break up just made me realize I have a lot to work on with myself. Which is fair considering this was my first EVERYTHING and I'm 18... So I guess I'll cut myself some slack, but I kind of deserve the beating up. I needed to hit the whole, you don't know what you got until it's gone moment. And boy am I beat up. Update: it's Sunday. And this morning I woke up to a text from my "ex-boyfriend" (quotations because of what I'm further going to tell you). The text read that he has been doing lots of meditation and he needed to FaceTime me before we finalize anything. After reading this text, all I could do was not look forward to the night ahead. I was afraid because I accepted if he didn't want to be with me, but feared that would be his answer. I'm currently sitting on the train, about to head home to sit in misery and angst until 8pm. Update: it's Monday. And if I asked what you think I'm feeling right now, you may be surprised by the truth. Happy. *WTF?!* Yes, I'm happy right now. Genuinely. When he called me, I felt like throwing up and passing out worse than after a workout. But, for the first time I was okay with being sorry. I'm the kind of girl who knows when she's wrong, but has too much pride to admit it. But, I apologized and I was thanked for it. We both really confessed our insecurities and what we really look for in the relationship. Which what we want is the same thing. We realized our communication was too constant and he needs to open himself more as I need to work on my mentality a little more. I'm not going to change who I am, I'm going to enhance the person I was made to be. Relationships are so crazy. First you only sleep two hours because your mind is going, then you enjoy a day to yourself and accept the fact that you may have caused your significant other to fall out of love with you and then you're feeling on cloud nine again. Relationships are not perfect and sorry to break it to you, they never will be. Not even the one with the man upstairs. But if it's really real, they are worth it. And this one is. The man I'm in love with and my one with Jesus.