My Eating Disorder

I think the hardest thing for a woman to do is to love herself. I didn't fully love myself until I moved to New York and even now I still have to remind myself I'm worth it. When I think about my internal battle of loving my true self, I think of it like that infamous army crawl. Wire on top and mud on the bottom. Getting filthier and bloodier each crawl I took to the finish line. It's not as serious as boot camp, but the fight a woman has within herself just to the say the simple words, "I am beautiful," takes almost as long as an army boot camp. As a young girl, I didn't have a care in the world. Nor did I care about what people thought of me or how I looked in public. Things only changed once I hit puberty. This is pretty typical for most awkward pre-teens, but where it's different is when actions are taken to change themselves. Not in the sense of wearing heavier lipstick or using more hair gel, but in the drastic sense of changing your body image. My body image didn't change for me until I was 15. I've always been a skinny, lanky girl, but at 15, something changed. It wasn't just like a change of temperature over a course of two days, it was more like growing your hair out. A slow, but eventually noticeable process. At 14 is when I started looking at myself different in the mirror. Looking more closely at my butt and my thighs. Noticing things like my thigh gap wasn't large enough and I felt like I filled my jeans a little too well. At this time I was 5'8 and only 123 pounds, skinny, but healthy (and happy). When I hit fifteen, it was like finally the switch was turned on and I felt it was time to make a change. So at 5'8.5 and 123 pounds, I decided to diet and exercise to change myself. In my mind it was a form of improvement. I started running 6 days a week for like twenty minutes and dieting. Using portions and trying to change certain eating habits as well. Habits like eating when I was hungry or after I worked out. More simply put, I changed my diet to starvation. At first it wasn't noticeable to anyone, so on the outside I was okay. But, inside I noticed a change that no one could find out about. I felt more tired and less energized. I felt weaker and more lazy. My memory was a little foggy at times and I blanked out a lot. I felt fatigued more often when getting up from sitting or being in bed. I dreaded exercise after a while, but because I was so headstrong, I forced myself to continue. I constantly felt hungrier and my mood changed drastically. I was very unhappy. All of these things, my family didn't notice and weren't easily detected. When it came to my mood and my tiredness, my parents figured it was because I was a hormonal teenager, when I knew I had this problem inside. It wasn't until my mom asked me when my last menstrual cycle was, that she put the pieces together. If I was being honest, I hadn't gotten my period since May of 2013 and this conversation happened in October of 2013. I didn't realize then, but from what I know now, I was dying inside and now my family was noticing it on the outside. My mother made a doctors appointment for me to help get my period back. Now of course as a kid, I always hated the doctor because I'm squeamish and hate getting the finger prick, but I was always a healthy girl. This time, I REALLY was afraid of the doctor. When I got my review of m health, it felt as though I got the news that I had some disease or needed surgery. I was told my weight was in the class of a twelve year old and that I was in drastic need of a change because I was hurting my growth. Later in the year I was sent to the gynecologist and was told the simple formula was to gain weight. Easier said than done, especially when you're anorexic right? In my mind I can tell myself all day that I'm going to gain weight, but there's something present that prevents you from achieving it. It's like the devil is on one shoulder and an angel is on the other. One shoulder screamed health and one shoulder screamed torture, and I fell for the torture every time. I lived my life in this same state and it continued until my next doctors appointment in the late summer of 2014. My doctor was unhappy again and now me and my family were in need of some help. It wasn't until I was called down by my school guidance office and was talked to by a crisis counselor because two teachers reported me about being concerned for my weight, that I realized there was a big issue in my hands. People were noticing, my family was seriously concerned, my doctor was scared for me and I was holding in this big lie. When my friends would hang out, I would always create excuses on why I couldn't come. "Oh, I have a church function tonight" or "I have a family event." When in reality I was afraid of going out and eating something bad and consuming too many calories. In school, I was constantly distracted because while I would do my math work, I would be thinking of my meals for the rest of the day and how many calories I would burn and consume. I was so ashamed of myself and having teachers notice now, made me fall into a bigger pit. Finally in the winter of 2014, I entered a partial hospitalization program for my disease. Being in the program I learned what my disorder was and how I could combat it, I gained a meal plan and re-learned how to eat and I learned I wasn't alone. I felt like a baby again, I was monitored and watched over. If I took too small of a bite, I was yelled at. And if I didn't have everything on my meal plan, I was force fed. All of things took me into a shock. I realized my issue was serious and I did not want to be in this torture chamber any longer. I left the program after a week, which to them was no time spent, but to me it felt as though I'd been there for two years. After I left I also got on birth control to regulate my period and get it back. Sad to have it medically induced, but better than nothing. Now it's October of 2015 and I'm still not cured, but I'm different from where I had come. To think that a little switch went off in my mind and it would take me into a tornado of obsession and sickness. I went from happy and healthy, to sad, sick, weak, post-menopausal, and obsessed. Do I regret it? Sometimes, but that's because I think I've stunted my growth, but then I remember I'm tall as hell, so I'm okay. Do I feel bad? Only for what I put my family through, but I'm glad to know they love me no matter what I go through. Would I change anything? Well, I wish I didn't go through what I did, but I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. God put this in my life because he knew I was strong enough to handle it. I have learned so much about life, happiness, beauty, worthiness, fitness and health. I've also inspired so many people who know me to look at their lives and their health status. Yes I caused these issues, but I was at a point where I was very sick. I learned how to fix it though. What it means to be healthy and appreciate every moment. The only thing that bothers me is when I think, did I enjoy my life's moments within those two years? To be honest, at times I didn't because my mind was distracted, but it makes me appreciate that I was still alive in those two years I was sick. I know that I am strong, worthy, beautiful, talented, smart and healthy. Not every girl can say that, not even the ones without the disorder. I am not 100% cured either, but I love myself more now than I did as a kid. Don't believe anybody who says they are 100% cured from an eating disorder because it will always be there. Even if it's not as present, the memory still lives. What is different, is the ones who conquer it have more tools to forget it and move on than before. Having an eating disorder is just as hard as having a sickness. Nothing is more worse than the other, everything is scary and dangerous. If you know someone who has symptoms like this or concerns you, speak up. The sooner you can help them the better. As a friend, be supportive and uplifting, tell them they are worth it and they are normal. As a family member, get educated. There are things that can trigger a disorder, like forcing them to try foods they say no to. Simple things like that make a change. Be open and honest and reassure them they can come to you openly and freely. And if you have a disorder or are concerned, know you are special and awesome. Also realize you are NOT alone and if you need someone to talk to, I am here. This post is not a pity party, it's a public statement. Yes I've had this eating disorder, but I'm done being ashamed and afraid to live in my truth. I am worthy and beautiful and to say that now is crazy. If I could tell my fifteen year old self one thing, it would be to never give up and to know I'm going to be okay. Women, never give up on who you are and know you're okay too. Except the things your can't change and improve the things you can. You are ALL worth it and were uniquely and wonderfully made.

I hope I have helped make a change in the world today.