Should I Stay Or Should I Go

FINALLY I got to go back home...And it was tougher than moving out for the first time. All last week I kept raving about all the things I would be doing over this past weekend. "We have a local fair!" "I get to dress up for a family wedding!" "I'm going to look bomb as hell in my dress!" "I'm going apple picking!" "I get to see old friends!" "I don't have to work and I can sleep!" "I can sit on the toilet!!" (That last one was really important). To everyone I knew at work and at my apartment complex, I just kept repeating these phrases, proud of where I came from and anticipating my return. I arrived on a Friday afternoon and when I first saw my mother, I felt like I just got off the boat from an across the sea voyage. Putting my butt in the seat of our truck and driving around our streets was such a great feeling, the best feeling of being home. Along the course of the weekend, I did everything I could in three days. This includes the fair, the wedding, apple picking, baking with the apples, hanging with an old friend and endless movie watching and family time. It was such a great feeling to be surrounded by the people I loved the most and to just feel free and safe. When Sunday morning, the morning before apple picking came, I was awoken at six am by my emotional alarm clock. Meaning at six am I realized I would be getting up to go back to New York at this time tomorrow, so I woke up only to start balling my eyes out. I tried to brush it off because I really wanted to enjoy my day and not think about going back to New York. I walked in the bathroom and gave myself that lame pep talk in the mirror, "You can do this Madison! Pull yourself together!" And I also tried going outside, but it was too cold for that. Once my mom woke up and noticed I was crying, she of course consoled me and I went about the rest of my day happy. It wasn't until my grandparents were telling me how proud they were of me, that I only began crying again. Finally Monday morning came and everything was good. No tears(yet), a nice hug goodbye to my mom, and I was off back to New York. It wasn't until I hit the halfway mark on my trip back, that I began to publicly cry. I didn't even care what a soul thought of me, I was sad and I needed to let it out. I eventually called my mom and my stepdad and they both reminded me of why I came to New York in the first place. I came to New York because I am a woman of my word and I believe in the power of my dreams and New York is where I needed to be to achieve them. My mother told me that she was listening to when I was telling my old friend about my time in NY this far and she said I sounded so proud and energized with life. My stepdad told me that being homesick again was normal, but coming home wouldn't solve anything. If I came back home, it may be easy at first, but I wouldn't feel a sense of accomplishment and I wouldn't feel good about myself because I wouldn't be going out and doing what I was meant to do. All of this had me thinking, was it worth it to go back home or was it worth it to have patience and stay? I think the crowd would scream, "STAY! STAY!," and they are right. Of course I am going to stay. I think of being homesick like this, when you are sick, you have no motivation to get up, eat, walk and all you want to do is stay and sleep. That's exactly how homesickness is. I personally don't want to work, go out, eat, exercise (which I ALWAYS make time for) and all I want to do is call my mommy and get on the next train ride home. What you guys need to realize is somehow, this is all normal. Yes, crying out loud in public, calling your mommy and wanting to give up is normal. The difference between normality and psychotic behavior is choosing whether to fall into the temptation of quitting or picking yourself up just enough to reach the barrier of success. It's REALLY tough, as I'm currently contemplating life on my train ride home. But what I can say is knowing that my family is behind me and my head is still on my shoulders, I can still choose success. And I do choose success, it just really sucks crying gallons of tears in the process.